The tank was empty, both my physical and mental tanks. I have had a full on two months with uni, placement and a new job - plus the usual going's on of being married etc. I felt like my whole body had been drained and I was just walking around doing the things that I had to do. I still went to the gym, because I KNEW I had to, I still hit my amazing 5k mark because I knew it was important to me but neither exercise or running held the same appeal, I did it because not doing it was worse than using up whatever energy I had left in the tanks.
It is literally the worst feeling I know, sinking into depression and lethargy, where my mind takes a front seat to my physical needs and drains the life out of me. I went to the Dr, I needed help - he has changed my medication but I cant make the switch until after my exams in 13 days because it will be hard on me - part and parcel of letting these chemicals into my body, although they have been invaluable for my overall wellbeing. So S decided that we needed to spend the night away. We went to Mackay and spent the night at the Clarion on the Marina. It was a no guilts weekend, we could eat what we wanted, drink what we wanted and do whatever the hell we wanted. Exercise wasn't in the equation, our bodies needed to rest. We needed to spend time looking outside whatever little sphere we had delved into and try and break out of it.
On Saturday we went and saw pirates of the carribean, was great. We did some shopping and I was happy to buy a pair of size 18 Millers jeans which fit well and made me realise how far I had come (only just fit into size 24's at the begining of the year). I also told S I wanted a book about running, I love reading about running and wanted to hear more stories of how other runners do it. Then I came across Dean Karnazes book - 50 marathons, 50 Days. He is an ultramarathon runner, its incredible - his idea was quite simple (and in the title) he wanted to run a marathon a day for 50 days, it was a huge undertaking and must have pushed his body to the absolute limits but he made a commitment and his team and sponsors made a commitment to him and he honoured it. Although he is an ultramarathon runner, his book really does target all levels - inbetween the pages are running advice for everyone and it was just what I needed. Running isn't "fun" as he says, exercise isnt a ball of laughs rolling on the ground say like playing your favourite computer game or watching your favourite TV show, its more about the mental side of life - making commitments and goals, challenging yourself, understanding your body, nutrition, healthier living. His words encompass everything I am trying to achieve. I would be lying to you all if I said I loved what I do everyday, I simply dont. I had a PT sesh at the gym on Friday and from the minute I made the appointment with friend and trainer E I didnt want to go - I simply wasnt in the mood. I was tired, drained and irritable. BUT I went, because its important to push myself, to say well right now you arent seeing the benefits of getting off your ass because there seems to be so many roadblocks telling you not too, but its not an option to not go. I made the commitment and I need to honour it. In his goal Dean speaks of wanting to stop, he isnt superman - it would have been brutal. A marathon is around 42.5kms, can you imagine that every day for 50 days straight, not to mention the press and other commitments he had and being away from family. But he did it, because he had a long term goal and it was important to honour that.
So I had my weekend away, but it wasnt so much the drinking Moet Champers, or the delicious vegetable risotto, or even the snickers cheesecake that made me feel like me again (that stubborn as an ass, must do it if you cannot tell me I can) but that someone ignited in me what I had long ago discovered, I am determined, I will succeed. There is nothing wrong with stopping and saying, what am I doing? Where the hell am I? The journey isnt linear, its ass about and I am going to be in all sorts of challenging positions but at the end of the day, I am going to grit my teeth, get off the lounge, put down the chocolate and get on with it.